


trusting

by irrationalqueer



Series: advent 2020 [17]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2010, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:55:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28110495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrationalqueer/pseuds/irrationalqueer
Summary: Sometimes Phil says things Dan wants to believe so desperately that he’s half convinced he’s hallucinating the whole thing.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: advent 2020 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035507
Comments: 14
Kudos: 67





	trusting

Sometimes Phil says things Dan wants to believe so desperately that he’s half convinced he’s hallucinating the whole thing. 

Dan cracks jokes about being called slurs in the locker room or crying after kissing his girlfriend for the first time and Phil just watches him pretend bravado, grainy and filtered through the webcam on his laptop. And when Dan awkwardly changes the subject, Phil goes along with it but doesn’t forget. 

“You’re exactly how I thought you’d be,” he murmurs in Dan’s ear when they meet for the first time and collide in a mess of long limbs and awkward giggling. 

“Sorry, must be a disappointment,” Dan jokes idly, fixing his fringe and steadfastly ignoring the blush he can feel rushing to his face when he remembers they’re in public. 

“It’s really, really not,” Phil says, eyes tracking all over Dan like he’s taking mental snapshots. Dan doesn’t know what to say to that; he’s not naked or trying to be sexy or whatever so he just shrugs uncomfortably, grabs his bag. 

-

He visits again in December and he’s less nervous, now; more comfortable initiating contact, firm in the knowledge that Phil wants it. When they’re alone he clings, pulling Phil into his lap or lounging across him on the sofa, lets him bury his cold nose in Dan’s neck or shove his cold hands up his shirt. It’s nice, being wanted. Being needed, maybe. It’s new. 

It’s nice, but it’s still somehow surprising when Phil gasps out an “I love you” while Dan’s buried inside him, causing Dan to instantly lose his rhythm and stare at him, mouth slack. 

“No don’t - don’t stop, idiot,” Phil pants, kicking him a little and grabbing his ass tightly to urge him on again. Dan can’t help but laugh, shaking his head, but minutes later when he’s whining and on the edge he’s saying it back, face pressed into Phil’s neck while he strokes down Dan’s back. 

It’s not until later, after they’ve cleaned up and spent a decent amount of time wrestling each other for the last mince pie and are just drowsily staring at each other in bed, that he brings it up. 

“Did you mean it,” Dan whispers, staring at Phil’s right eyebrow because he definitely can’t look him in the eye. 

To his credit, Phil knows exactly what he’s talking about. “Yes,” he says, simply, like that’s all there is to it. Like it’s something he doesn’t even have to think about. 

“Really?” Dan says, skeptical. It’s just - Phil’s never been anything but honest with him, but. Maybe he feels like he should go easy on him or something. Maybe he’s finally feeling their age difference. 

“Really,” Phil says, snorting a laugh. He reaches forward and rests a hand on the side of Dan’s neck, carefully stroking his thumb against his pulse point. Dan swallows thickly, silently begging his brain not to fixate on that, not now. “Did you mean it?” 

“Of course,” Dan says instantly, shocked into meeting Phil’s eyes. “Obviously.” 

Phil pulls him closer, then, kissing him on the forehead and speaking into his temple. “I promise I do,” he says softly. 

Dan sleeps. 

-

And Phil just - keeps doing that. Keeps saying things like he means them and Dan’s not sure he can believe him, but he’s trying so incredibly hard. 

It’s just another night, really; he’s escaped his tiny prison cell of a room and come to Phil’s flat for the weekend, dragging his bag of laundry and a shitty mood with him. They’ve spent the evening playing games and now they’re in bed and Dan’s so full, like his brain is just going to start spilling out thoughts if he doesn’t get control of himself soon. 

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Phil says, and Dan fights to control the way his face wants to erupt in flames at that; Phil’s far too perceptive for his own good, had caught on to the way Dan was so easy for him when he breaks out the pet names. It’s almost embarrassing, the effect it has on him, but he’s too in his head to really let himself enjoy it. 

Dan sighs, pushing his face further into the pillow. Phil doesn’t let him get away, though, just patiently lays there, sliding his hand to grip the nape of Dan’s neck, a comforting weight that somehow makes him feel a little more grounded. 

“Sometimes I worry I’m not good for you,” he says quietly, half hoping Phil won’t even hear him. Judging by the way his fingers tighten in the short hair at the back of his head briefly, he’s out of luck. 

But Phil sounds calm, if a little confused. “What do you mean?” he asks. 

“Like -“ Dan sighs again, faces Phil again and moves a little closer. “Like I’m shit, and my brain is shit, and I’m terrified of the future, and I can’t even hold your hand in public without shitting a brick,” he says, ignoring the way Phil looks like he’s about to interrupt him. “I’m difficult and I get in these moods and I don’t know why and it’s just - like you’re so easy to love, I just look at you and it’s - in my pores, or whatever, oozing out. How can you possibly feel that way about me?” he says in a rush, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Phil’s the one sighing now, and Dan’s almost curious about whatever his face is doing to open his eyes, but Phil speaks before he can muster up the courage. “Dan, you’re the easiest person to love,” he says quietly, squeezing his neck a little when Dan opens his mouth to interrupt. “I had no idea I was going to meet you, no idea who you were going to be to me, but I can’t imagine not loving you,” he says, and Dan has to open his eyes, has to see the way Phil’s staring at him solemnly. 

He clears his throat, at a loss for words, and just leans in, kissing Phil in a way he doesn’t think manages to convey half of what he’s feeling. Phil just kisses him back, though, rolling over and pulling Dan on top of him. “Love you, baby,” Phil says against his lips, and it’s completely over - Dan can’t process anything but the way Phil feels and tastes and sounds, can’t do anything but believe him because there’s simply no room in his stupid horny sappy brain for it. 

It’s nothing at all to get each other naked and soon Dan’s settling on Phil’s lap where he leans up against the headboard, hands in his birds nest of hair and frantically grinding down into him. Phil’s got both of their cocks in one hand and he’s jerking them together and it’s not much, really, except that it’s absolutely everything: they’re pressed together so close, and Phil’s got a strong arm wrapped around his waist so he can’t go anywhere, and they’re kissing and kissing and kissing until Dan thinks he’s genuinely going to lose his mind. 

He reaches down between them and wraps his hand around what Phil can’t reach, almost sobbing when Phil pulls his own hand away and leans back so he can shove three fingers in Dan’s mouth. Dan moans, eyes sliding closed without his permission as he sucks, hearing Phil swear low under his breath. Phil’s panting, mumbling absolute nonsense as he pulls his fingers out and replaces them with his tongue, kissing him filthily as he wraps his wet hand around them again and starts jerking them.

“Fuck,” Dan pants as Phil thumbs over his tip, spreading the moisture there; he squeezes his own hand a little tighter, reveling in Phil’s gasp as he plants open-mouthed kisses down Dan’s neck. Phil seems to take Dan’s own vocalization as silent permission to be louder, and suddenly all Dan can hear is Phil’s voice, even over his own noises. 

“C’mon, baby, you can do it,” Phil breathes, kissing down Dan’s throat. Dan feels the flush like a brand across his face, flaming heat that would be embarrassing if it wasn’t so hot. “Fuck, look at you,” he says, looking down at where they’re pressed together and fucking up harder against Dan on the next stroke, squeezing his hand around them both, “You’re so good, love you so much,” he says, and whether it’s the praise or the twist of his wrist or the way he sinks his teeth into Dan’s neck that makes him come he’ll never say; all Dan knows is white-hot pleasure, sparking up and down his spine and radiating out. 

Phil’s kissing him before he’s even done, desperate and hard. Dan moans into his mouth at how good it feels, almost jolted off Phil’s lap with the force of the way he thrusts upward against Dan’s stomach. He’s softening but he still feels so good, like they’re in a little bubble where all he can feel is Phil and hot and pleasure. Phil’s gripping the back of his neck almost painfully, his other arm wrapped around his waist; it should feel claustrophobic but all Dan feels is security and safety and warmth. Dan reaches between them and it barely takes anything at all before Phil’s coming, mouth going lax against Dan’s as he holds him tightly, hips still jerking, chasing the high. Dan just strokes him through it, kissing his jaw softly and trailing down to his throat. 

Phil’s grip loosens but he doesn’t let go, he merely readjusts; drags his hand down Dan’s back to hold him around the waist in a hug, while Dan holds on tight to his shoulder blades, face pressed to Phil’s neck. Phil’s pressing kisses anywhere he can reach; soft, sweet things that don’t feel like much but still leave Dan feeling so warm. 

“I love you,” Phil says, and in that moment Dan believes him, doesn’t feel like he’s hallucinating, doesn’t feel like he’s too difficult or distant or bad. He just feels - like he’s loved, warm and safe and maybe a little sweaty and covered in come but held by someone who cares about him. Who he cares about too. 

“Love you,” he says back, closing his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> ty nefeli for the screaming and encouragement <33
> 
> on tumblr @ irrationalqueer


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